The Earthquake!!!

I was just in my bedroom doing some really hard math homework with my BFF Grace. We were working on the same question because we were going through them one by one.But just then Grace and me felt a huge thump in the ground.Suddenly Grace ran out of the room and i followed her”were are you going?”i shouted ”to see what happened”Grace said. When we got there there was lots of smoke but as the smoke cleaed me and Grace saw a EARTHQUAKE!!!It was so hot when you got up close up.Me and Grace ran to my house and told my mum.

5 thoughts on “The Earthquake!!!”

  1. Hi Lola,

    It would be really frightening being in the middle of an earthquake. However, it stopped you from having to finish your maths homework!! 🙂

    It’s a great idea, but by editing a few things you can make it even better!

    1) Try to avoid using ‘But’ at the start of your sentences. However is much better.

    2) Change your ‘i’ to ‘I’.

    3) Use an ING opener e.g. Sitting in my bedroom, completing my extremely hard maths homework…

    Keep up the good work!

    Mr Lord
    Ribble Drive Primary School

  2. Hi Lola,

    Totally agree with Mr Lord’s comments. Also, try to build up the feeling of fear plus more about how the earthquake felt. You have the bare bones here, now put flesh on them.
    I’d like to see the second version if you write it.

    Brian Moses

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